THE OUTING OF A COMIC GEEK! "JERKY SMASH!!!" My name is Jerky LeBoeuf, and I'm a born again comics geek. For a while there, I honestly believed I'd kicked the habit for good. I really did. Watching the industry self-destruct in a spiral of creator hubris and professional collector speculation and multiple gold-foil variant covers back at the close of the 80's was a grim and disillusioning spectacle. Somehow, while I had my back turned, someone had come along and sucked the fun right out of comics. I think his name was Todd McSomething-or-other, but I can't be sure. In any case, after a decade of serious collecting, I figured enough was enough. Ever get the feeling you were being milked like a dairy cow? That's what it felt like to collect comics ten/twelve years ago. The product was shit, and there was far too much of it. I didn't need - and couldn't afford - to be milked anymore. Besides which, I was going to start college soon, and I didn't want to be the "comic book collector guy." So what better time to ween? I boxed up my collection, put it where I knew my folks would never mind it, and dropped my subscriptions like a hot potato dusted with anthrax. Over the next decade, the only comics I read were alternative, non-superhero titles by the likes of Dan Clowes, Peter Bagge and Chester Brown, or critically lauded stuff like Art Speigelman's RAW and Maus, or explicit horror materials such as Fly in my Eye and the occasionally truly disturbing Taboo. Meanwhile, the once ubiquitous comic book rack was disapearing from the corner stores and supermarkets and drug stores where they once held sway. Mainstream comic sales figures plunged as four color heroes retreated to the specialty shops and hobby stores where once only model train enthusiasts and dungeon crawlers dared set foot. But then, something happened. Just about a year ago, some friends whose opinion I trusted started telling me I should pick up this great new comic book. The writing was sharp and smart. The art was beautiful. It had a post-modern edge. It was called Planetary. Well, I took the plunge and picked it up and yes indeed, I was duly impressed. And as long as I was already there, would the guy behind the counter mind suggesting some other titles that might be this good? And so Planetary begat The Authority, which begat The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which made me want to pick up Marvels, which turned me on to Kingdom Come, at which point the geneology of my falling back into comic book addiction becomes too complicated to trace. Long story short, the comic book industry is back. The big boys - Marvel and DC - care again. They actually give a fuck. I guess getting your ass kicked, losing ninety percent of your readership and going bankrupt makes you expend the extra effort, sometimes. In any case, across America, Canada, and around the world, tomorrow is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY. This edition of the Daily Dirt is devoted to that damn good idea. 'NUFF SAID! Your Freindly Neighborhood Jerky-man! DAILY DIRT TOP TEN LIST! TOP TEN PHRASES that SOUND LIKE SUPERHERO QUOTES, BUT AREN'T! 11. "Hulk FLASH!" 10. "I'm the best there is at what I do, so I make a decent living." 9. "Flame on, girlfriend!" 8. "Accountants: Assemble!" 7. "I am the night… watchman." 6. "In brightest day, in blackest night, no free porn shall escape my sight!" 5. "By Od's blood, I will NOT pay a lot for this muffler!" 4. "It's WALL-PAPERIN' time!" 3. "Faster than a T1 download! More powerful than Sysadmin! Able to leap full towers in a single bound! Look! Ducking out for a cigarette! It's a ghost! It's an escaped mental patient! NO! It's your company's criminally overworked IP dude!" 2. "Here I come to bail the hay!" 1. "Shazam! Bam! Thank you, ma'am!"

ON THIS DAY IN COMIC BOOK HISTORY! May 3 On this day in 1808, two hot-air balloon-riding Frenchmen exchange pistol-fire while floating above the city of Paris. One monsieur LePique is killed in the incident, afterwhich France immediately surrenders to the victor (whose name has been lost in the haze of history). To the best of yer old pal Jerky's knowledge, this incident has yet to be translated into comic book form... but it should be! *** *** *** May 4 Today is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! Do you have a son, daughter, neice or nephew who doesn't like to read? Feel like getting back into a hobby you ditched on the day you lost your virginity? Sick of repeatedly sniping the heads off ahistorical, Unreal avatars in cyberspace? Then by all means, head on over to your friendly neighborhood comic book shop and pick up some free comic books, courtesy of Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, and a number of other funny-book publishers, NO STRINGS ATTACHED! *** *** *** May 5 On this day (aprox) in 1974, in an anonymous corner store somewhere south of the Mason Dixon line, a rotating wire rack full of thin, colorful magazines catches yer old pal Jerky's youthful eye. He wanders over, plucks out the one with the most intriguing cover, and flips it open. Within the four-color newsprint pages, he sees a terrified man cornered by gun-weilding mobsters. They open fire. (Whoa!) But in the next panel, the terrified man isn't terrified anymore. (What the?) In fact, he looks kind of pissed off... kind of REALLY pissed off. He's growing... his clothes are splitting off him as he howls, clutching his head in his hands. Then comes the mobsters' turn to be terrified, as the man emerges from the shadows, transformed. He is now a humongous, emerald-hued, bulletproof, ass-kicking engine of destruction, and he proceeds to lay brutal waste to all and sundry. (Ho. Lee. Shit.) Yer old pal Jerky has been a hopeless comic book junkie ever since.

COMIC BOOK CREATOR QUOTES! "Sequential Art has been generally ignored as a form worthy of scholarly discussion. While each of the major integral elements, such as design, drawing, caricature and writing, have separately found academic consideration, this unique combination has received a very minor place, if any, in either the literary or art curriculum." - Living Legend Will Eisner, creator of The Spirit. *** *** *** "Comic books are the ghostly fascination of these paper people, paralyzed in time, stringless puppets, immobile, unable to be transported to movies, whose charm lies in rhythm and dynamism. It's a radically different way to please the eyes, an unique way of expression. The world of comic books can, in its generosity, lend plots, characters and stories to the movies, but can't lend its inexpressible power of suggestion that lies in the permanence and immobility of a butterfly in a pin." - The legendary Federico Fellini. *** *** *** "The great sorrow of my life is to never have done comics." - The immortal Pablo Picasso. *** *** *** "Everyone knows comics are for retards, don't they?" - Grant Morrison, in this essay.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Mingola the Merciless... One fine day Superman was flying around doing a routine patrol when he found himself over Wonder Woman's penthouse. He decided to "look in" on her using his x-ray vision. Much to his surprise, Wonder Woman was lying on the bed, stark naked, with her legs apart and pointed straight up. "Boy," said Superman to himself. "What an opportunity this is! Using my super speed, I could swoop in through the open window, in-and-out her a couple of times, and fly out again. And she'll never know it happened! It'll be the fullfillment of a life long dream!" And so Superman did just that. He swooped it, did the mischievious deed, and flew out again. And while Wonder Woman didn't see anything, she did hear the "swoosh" caused by Superman's entry and exit, and she felt the breeze thus created. "What was that?" Wonder Woman asked aloud. "I don't know," replied the Invisible Man. "But all of a sudden, my ass hurts like HELL!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Frankie "the deadline-misser" Q... The Incredible Hulk walks into an elevator, turns to the only other occupant and says: "Excuse me lady, but can I smell your pussy?" The lady says: "No, you certainly can't!" The Hulk replies: "Oh. Then it must be your feet!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Geekly von Fanboy. Spiderman went to Doctor Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum for some spiritual guidance. "There seems to be a horrible, dark cloud surrounding me," the web-crawler told the Sorceror Supreme. "I know," Strange replied, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it." Spidey thought the fee was high but, eager to be cured, he handed over the money. After pocketing the fee, Strange pulled out a book of matches and lit one. Spidey said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?" Doctor Strange waved the match down behind Spidey and answered: "Mexican food!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I don't exist, but if I did - and if I were a comic book virgin who was so inspired by your Comic Book Edition of the Daily Dirt that I wanted to get into comics to see what all the fuss is about - which titles would you recommend? Is there a good starting point? My sincere thanks in advance for your sure-to-be inestimably valuable assistance! Signed: Nobody. Dear Nobody; The great thing about comics is that there are books for all tastes, ages and IQs. Unfortunately, this fact - coupled with the vast quantity of material available - makes recommending specific titles rather difficult. Nevertheless, I shall endeavor to nominate some of my own favorites in various continents of the graphic storytelling world. Superhero comics are the industry's bread and butter, accounting for the vast majority of sales, oftentimes underwriting the more outre' efforts of less mainstream comic artists. However, they also have a reputation as being a two-dimensional version of professional wrestling. Nevertheless, for some people, nothing soothes the soul like watching the Bad Guy get his ass handed to him on a silver platter by the Good Guy. Sometimes it gets more complicated than that, but the essential appeal of the superhero comic is still the brawl. The best traditional superhero comics out there right now, in yer old pal Jerky's opinion, are The Ultimates, New X-Men, Green Lantern, and the newly re-booted Captain America. None of these books will insult your intelligence, and they will get your adolescent-wish-fulfillment juices flowing. If the idea of keeping up with an on-going monthly title sounds like a huge waste of time and energy to you, never fear! Americans have finally caught up with Europeans when it comes to putting out entire storylines collected in a single volume. For the best of the best of these titles, check out Marvels, V is for Vendetta, Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns (superhero), or From Hell, Jimmy Corrigan and Ghost World (non-superhero). If you like your comics carnal, there's a book to suit every taste... and I do mean EVERY taste. Check out this link, for a start. If you prefer non-fiction type reading material, but would still like to check out the art of illustrated narrative, check out the Big Book of Conspiracies, Postmodernism for Beginners, and the awesome Cartoon History of the Universe. Keep in mind that the above selections barely even scratch the surface of what's available out there. So stop by your local comics shop, get to know the geeks behind the counter, and ENJOY!!!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. WE GOT COMICS by ratpackslim@hotmail.com. Hey kids we got comics Over a century of history The literary stepchild has stepped out in the open And when I turn the open pages I am an X-Man I am the next man to be persecuted for differences My inferences are strong like Spider-Sense My tense twists from comic to tragic Nothing novel or graphic about the magic When I turn the page with a Master of Kung-Fu grip When I flip through issue after issue I issue decrees Like this meeting of this Justice League is now in session With a yes yes y'all Time for a roll call Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Plastic Man I'm a spastic fan of iconic warriors And engaging stories stored in plastic bags and cardboard boxes Amazing fantasies filling action comics I meltdown if I can't get my comics I get Vertigo spinning comic book tales While Secret Wars are being waged One good turn deserves another turn of the page And I burn through pages Like a Human Torch or a man with heat vision I envision fantastic situations four times over I dream of a gothic Sandman And a galactic man eating planets I make plans to keep classics illustrated I wave Banners 'cuz I'm gamma radiated I'm a Daredevil using four hyper-senses I'm a Doomsday demi-god with a hunger for destruction I thunderclap like Shazam I blow up like human bombs U won't find Wonder Woman at amazon dot com I snap jokers' necks like the Dark Knight remix I'm a Garth Ennis Preacher tale not for the squeamish And I'm screamin' with Wolverine adrenaline rages I'm turning pages turning pages turning pages [*sniff* That was BYOO-tiful, dude! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com